My Head is a Bad Neighborhood These Days

“I think I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown.” My husband looked at me after this left my mouth and said “Why do you think that?” And I said “I don’t know.”

The truth is I don’t think I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. But I’m not all here. I’m not present.

But I have no idea where I am. Or what’s wrong with me for that matter.

But something is wrong.

Call it depression. Call it a slump. Call it whatever. The fact is, I’m not ok.

I’ve dealt with this before. And I came out of it. Eventually. I don’t remember how exactly, but I did.

Things got better. Things got ok.

But I’m not ok. Why? Yes, I’m probably still rebounding from previous events. I’m probably not over it. And throwing myself into work isn’t helping. That has always been my fall back plan. When in doubt, work. If that doesn’t work, take a nap. If that doesn’t work, leave the house with the kids. One of those three things ALWAYS works.

Except this time. Except now.

So, now what? And to be honest, I’m not looking for an answer from others. I have a feeling this is something I have to discover for myself.

Thank God BlogHer is coming up.

Thank God I get to see my parents in a few days.

Thank God Perckle is coming with me to NYC.

But then what? I’m trying not to think about it. I’m just trying to convince myself to leave the house in a little bit to try again. To try and get my groove back. To try and feel like Angela again. To lose the sadness and the blackness inside that are, quite frankly, suffocating me.